A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.