An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Breaking news:
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader