If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Lmao 🤣
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Good boy 😂😂
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.