and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Good morning y’all ☀️
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*mops up wine with cat*
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned