If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.