Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
The struggle is real
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
pep talk
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments