My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
i want to work in this restaurant
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]