Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.