Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I would move hell over six inches for you
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.