Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
All generalizations are stupid.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.