I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*