[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.