Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.