Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You Might Also Like
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!