Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Money is the root of all wealth
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.