All food is good if you spell it wrong
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds