[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.