I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
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ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
o shit
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
We like the way Dwight thinks
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.