90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Mad Max: Furry Road
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I need this for my side hustle.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth