[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Oh we’ve met.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.