“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I’m already scared
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
HERE’S MARKY
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Social Media and Real life
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
They’re stuck in your pants?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses