For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?