Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.