Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
accurate
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep