Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
absolutely not
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.