[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
How to woo a woman
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones