rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I don’t know what to do
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*