[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.