Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……