Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
You Might Also Like
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came