FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install