I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)