me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.