[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed