Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.