*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.