Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.