Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.