my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.