going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You Might Also Like
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead