Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur