Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
your honor my client chooses dare
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.