microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
best review i’ve ever seen
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.