It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change