*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
rich people when they have to pay taxes
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.