If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
This fish is cracking me up
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”