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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.