Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo