Introverted vegans go meetless
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
umm…
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over