“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative